bittersweet…

Today is bittersweet. It feels like I chugged a bottle of vinegar! Today after two days of attempts Lily finally drank some formula. This milk factory is closing down! I have been struggling with coming to this decision for a long time! I never experienced the pain and discomfort that some women have breastfeeding and I am so thankful for that. I just feel like I am a slave to feedings. I hate to feed out in public and Lily is hungry every two hours!! So by the time I stop feeding her I have to quickly get out and get errands done before I need to be back home to feed her all over again. At two months I was really thinking of throwing in the towel. Formula is so expensive and I knew that if I could hang in there Lily would be getting the very best nutrients from my milk. I made the decision to wait until she was six months.

Now that she is almost seven months I am finally making the change. I am looking forward to the freedom to being able to feed her in public. I am looking forward to having some wine and not worrying about how much! I am looking forward to being able to go on a date night with my husband and not fooling with pumping. I am totally looking forward to my chest returning to its pre-baby size so I can exercise without distractions…TMI I know! Plus when I do exercise my milk supply heavily decreases! But I am going to miss the bonding time. Even though I am switching to bottles I still want to be the one feeding them to her. Of course I will let Mike feed her once and awhile, but I still want it to be our time together. So hopefully tomorrow Lily will drink some more and I will slowly be able to wean her. And hopefully this will start to taste sweeter with time…

 

 
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I’ve got the blues….

…Correction I HAD the blues. My days are a little brighter now that I got some great advice, priceless support, had a trip to the doctor and a prescription.  After some time I am coming clean… I am on meds. It became so clear to me that I had more than just the typical baby blues most women experience after birth. I have been diagnosed with postpartum depression.

Let me make it very clear that at NO time did I ever regret getting pregnant and having Lily.

And at NO time did I ever want to harm my child or myself.

It is so hard to explain how I feel unless you are a mother who experienced baby blues or you are a doctor…but I will try. At first I was so overwhelmed when Lily would cry. Not because I didn’t know what I was doing. The every day care for Lily was not a problem. It came so naturally to know when to feed her, change her. She was (and still is) a pretty easy-going baby. However, she would have moments where she would get so upset and it would pain me to hear her cry. I had to learn to be calm as baby’s can sense people’s feelings. I know most of you are saying, “depression over being sad if your kid is crying….every parent feels that way!” It goes deeper than that and that is why it is so hard to explain. It would literally pain me inside to see her cry.

At any time of the day I would spiral into these horrible what if scenarios that left me in mini panic episodes. I would daydream about people coming into the house and kidnapping her. People hurting her, killing her! It was horrifying. I would try and stop myself and say- “Amy get a grip….everything is fine…” I found myself getting tense when Mike or anyone else was holding Lily. I only felt a sense of calm when I had her. I also noticed that I started to get upset easily over trivial issues. There were parts of everyday where I would just get unbearably sad and sob.

A HUGE part of my depression was what pregnancy did to my body. I know I had the worst eating habits and couldn’t exercise while I was pregnant. Even 15 minute walks brought on these horrible cramps that I was advised by my doctor to stop. So with no exercise and a hamburger diet I hit a weight that I thought I would never see. Now most of my girlfriends who had babies have bounced right back to being their cute adorable selves => envious! I have struggled with the weight loss.

The old saying that when you breast feed you loose weight due to more calories being burned is a CROCK! Because my body is working so hard to produce milk I am always hungry! I have recently decided that this milk factory is closing shop ( that will be explained in another post)! I just started to get back in the gym and it feels great. Thanks to my mom for watching Lily- I escape to the gym and meet with a trainer to help get the ball rolling to getting my body back.

Prior to taking medication I only told a few people that I was experiencing some major depression like symptoms. I remember when it became so clear to me that I was depressed and needed some help that I broke down at the dinner table with Mike. Coming to that conclusion made me feel like I was a loser and that I was a horrible mother because I couldn’t handle my emotions.  I went to the doctor a few days later and received confirmation that I had postpartum depression.

During one of my Friday play dates with some fabulous friends I came clean with them about what was going on. I was given such uplifting praise and advice. The ladies gave me that extra push I needed to take the prescription that I had been sitting on for a week. It only took me three days to feel a difference. I didn’t wake up and feel like Mrs. Brady; however, I was happy. Calm. I now get urges to get out of the house and run errands rather than stay at home in my comfort zone. I probably wouldn’t have taken the leap to leave the house and Lily behind for workouts if I wasn’t on meds. It helps with the feelings of guilt over leaving Lily.  I have come to the realization that I need “me” time to be a better mom. Now I still have times of anxiety and worry about her but word on the street is that I will have these feelings forever as a parent. I am just in a better position now to deal with these crazy emotions. So there it is. I have happy pills. Hopefully I won’t need them in the near future…but for now this is my reality.

**By the way it has taken me about two hours to type this- I was and still am nervous about exposing this. But this is my life as a parent and being honest with myself was the first step to getting help. And I just hope that other mommies out there who are having a tough time just seek help before it gets worse for them**

 
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  1. By Lily & Bliss | Happiness is a choice on June 1, 2012 at 3:27 pm

    […] set in. In January I told a few friends and family about my postpartum depression (you can read it here). As Lily and Bliss went live yesterday, so did this hidden part of my life. This was […]

  2. […] of you might think this is the postpartum talking and it’s not. I’m a realist (or try to be!) and I recognize I will have guilt my […]

  3. By Lily & Bliss | Waving The White Flag on April 5, 2013 at 12:20 am

    […] just like a toddler I have great days and then I have some pretty low ones with post-partum. Today was a low. Mike got home early and I walked over to his office door and threw my arms […]

  4. By Lily & Bliss | In 2013… on June 5, 2013 at 9:36 pm

    […] Part of my health is taking some time and devoting it to myself. I’ve been pretty open with my post-partum depression and I finally went off my medication in attempts to see if I’m “okay” without […]

  5. By Lily & Bliss | Scaredy Pants on September 20, 2013 at 5:51 pm

    […] my honest opinions/thoughts/views on this blog, including some pretty personal moments (like my post partum depression). So bare with me as I need to vent some emotions that have been boiling up […]

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Another much deserved thank you


(My mom, brother and me)

I gave much deserved credit to my wonderful husband a view posts ago for being extremely supportive on the road to parenthood. There is another person who deserves a major shout out….my mom! From the first phone call after I saw the “yes” on the stick to the day I brought Lily home, my mom has been the biggest help. I can say with 100% that I would not have been able to stay sane through my pregnancy and stay somewhat sane up to this moment without her.

Living only a few minutes away she would pop over with warm homemade banana bread or other tasty treats while I was preggo. She was always down to meet me for lunch, like at BJ’s where I would moan over some of my top cravings -BBQ chicken salad or their tomato bisque soup or a mini Hawaiian pizza=> my mouth is watering now! Not only did she come over to feed my cravings, but she was always bringing Lily gifts. There were only a handful of times that my mom walked through our door without carrying an adorably wrapped gift!

Now I hated cooking while I was pregnant- and NO this was not a ploy to get Mike in the kitchen while I sat and watched! The thought of dealing with raw food made me gag! That is one of the main reasons why I ate out 90% of the time that Mike was out of town (and THE reason why I gained so much weight!).  One night while mike was out of town the power went out in the neighborhood. Of course eating an apple or a BB&J was not in the cards, and as I grabbed my keys it dawned on me that I couldn’t get my car out of the garage without power!! My wonderful mother came to my rescue and drove me to the closest McDonalds.

Those fries tasted AHmazing.

When I got home I started to light candles to give me a little light to wolf down my burger, when the smell of the scented wax made me get dizzy!  I called my mom and being the amazing woman she is, she drove back to pick me up so I could go back to her house and be in a non-yankee candle environment!

She did anything she could to make me comfortable during the pregnancy! The last few days she even sat next to my pool to keep me company as I floated on a raft moaning and teary eyed that I was STILL pregnant…any pregnant woman can attest that those last days drag on like no tomorrow!

My mom was there during the birth to help hold my feet and take the very first pictures of Lily. During my stay at the hospital she brought coke and jimmy johns sandwiches (major thumbs down to hospital food).  I got the best care while at the hospital because my mom had a secret weapon….Starbucks cake pops. She came with individually boxed cake pops (pink ones!!) and any nurse or staff that came to my room to help she would give them sweet treats. Anytime I needed anything the nurses were so eager to come and help me because my mom went out of her way to make sure the nurses knew they were appreciated!  I will remember this when it is my turn with Lily.  Today if I eat one of those cake pops I am flooded with memories of the first few days with Lily in the hospital.

When we got home from the hospital I was greeted with balloons, a cute pink wreath on the door, beautiful flowers in the kitchen and in my bathroom. Plus she had food and snacks to last us and company for a week….not including all the pre made freezer foods!  My parents even took our dog Bentley while we were in the hospital and for our first few days home so we could have some adjustment time. I think we are still adjusting! As a mom she has been a wealth of knowledge from learning to be calm when Lily cries to breastfeeding tips. She often tells me I am doing a good job and boosts my self-confidence as a first time mom.

She has been an amazing mother my whole life. Ever since I can remember she has showered my brother and me with so much love.  She was my very first friend, and remains the closest one I have.  I can only hope that when the time comes for Lily to be a mommy I can be the rock for Lily like my mom has been for me.

Thanks mom for the whole enchilada! Love you! xoxo

 
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