Mother’s day was wonderful. we spent half of the day celebrating with my family and the second with a family nap and playtime in our pajamas. In honor of the holiday I’ve started a list to find the humor in motherhood. Enjoy!
You know you’re a mom when…
Somehow you can function on 3 hours (and that’s not continuous) sleep.
You head to the mall for some retail therapy and you leave with 3 pair of shorts and five tops that can be mix and matched, a bathing suit and a pair of Toms…all for your kid. This is because tiny Sperry’s and a blue gingham one piece are just too darn cute to pass up.
Or you head to the mall and you get five minutes in a store when your angel turns into a crazed psycho yelling, kicking, spitting (yep that’s a new one!) and hucking Cheerios all over the nice display of folded sweaters and you put your beat red face down and quickly leave (but as you’re driving home frustrated and embarrassed you realize that the tantrum tired your kid out and the nap might be a little longer!).
You learn to accomplish everyday tasks with one hand.
You don’t think twice to use your own shirt, hand or arm to wipe up that two inch snot rope that your child is about to lick because there is nothing else close by and you will gag when your kid slurps up that “rope”.
The one time you get to shop alone you start to hum the theme song to Yo Gabba Gabba or the hot dog dance.
You run to Target or the grocery store in tennis shoes, black yoga pants, oversized t-shirt and a sports bra….because this has become your uniform.
When you get home from Target or the grocery store you realize that you had vomit, dried pieces of banana or snot smeared all over those black yoga pants or shirt.
Getting a shower and being able to blow dry your hair is considered a victory.
You get a check for your birthday and your first thoughts are upgrading your stroller instead of the Jack Rogers thong sandals you have been eyeing.
You can’t remember the last time you went pee alone or with the door closed.
You have snacked on Goldfish crackers (& yogurt melts!) while driving because you were hungry and they were there.
You could easily scrape up a cup of broken or smashed Goldfish or Cheerios from the floor of your backseat.
You offer up your hand to catch chewed up Cheerios (because your kid wants Goldfish instead) or Vomit (to protect your couch) or an explosive diaper.
You spell out half of your conversations with your husband.
Sleeping to 7:45am is considered sleeping in.
You start to DVR a majority of your shows so you can pass out for that early wake up.
You realize that cleaning up during the day is a pointless activity.
You believe its perfectly acceptable to smell your child’s butt to determine if a diaper change is necessary.
Going to Target or the grocery store alone gets you giddy.
You get nervous and cross your legs when you feel a sneeze coming on. You also cross your legs while laughing too.
Your recommended products on Amazon are Melissa & Doug puzzles, cheap diapers and coloring books.
You watch a full episode of Jessie, Shake It Up or Sofia the First when you realize you put your kid to sleep an hour ago.
You can change a diaper in the dark but when you get to the grocery store you forgot the only two items you needed.
You constantly use your dog’s name for your kid and your kid’s name for your dog (damn that “pregnancy brain”).
You quickly place your baby or toddler on the other hip when a complete stranger starts to reach out to touch them because who knows what germs they are carrying (even though you may or may not have puke or boogers on your pants).
At the end of the day you finally notice you shaved only one leg.
Your topic of conversation with your husband over dinner is the change in the color of poop.
You find an Elmo racing car in the freezer.
You start to purchase toys depending on their annoying sounds.
You reach for your morning coffee and it’s cold.
When you pause a movie and tell your husband you “have to go potty.”
You refer to your self in third person.
Sorry for the fuzzy iphone pictures! Most of these can be found on Instagram…come take a peak at more photos at @lilyandbliss!