Scaredy Pants

bellyshotI’ve always expressed my honest opinions/thoughts/views on this blog, including some pretty personal moments (like my post partum depression). So bare with me as I need to vent some emotions that have been boiling up recently.

During the worst part of the nausea with this pregnancy I started feeling horrible guilty feelings about my parenting towards Lily. There were days I could barely get out of bed and many were spent curled up on the couch. On days where my mom and Mike couldn’t help watch Lily I would allow her to watch movie after movie to keep her busy. I felt so guilty….

Oh that crappy parental guilt. Even when you think you’re doing a kick ass job at being a parent the littlest incident can make you second guess your ability to raise your own kid.

I felt guilty that I wasn’t being a good mom. Letting the tv and iPad take over my duties while I couch potatoed it. Starting to feel better now, I know this sounds silly. I can’t be super mom everyday. Oh but those guilty feelings were wrecking me to the point of public sobbing. One day I broke down and called my sweet friend Emily for her help in watching Lily for a few hours. As I dropped Lily off at her house I completely balled in front of her nanny, the very sweet and awesome nanny extraordinaire Danica. There I was dropping my kid off for someone else to care for not because I had a job…because I needed to get home and just get in bed. Oh I felt so horrible.

When the nausea started to lift a bit in the mornings (still hits me every afternoon & evenings ugh), I started to develop new guilty thoughts.

What if I can’t handle two kids?

How in the world will I get anything done (it’s hard shopping with one toddler already!)?

Will I be able to spread my time, love and affection evenly to both?

Will I miss out on special Lily moments while caring for baby number two?

Will I miss out on special moments with the baby while caring for Lily?

Will the post-partum depression come back and will it be worse with two kids?

Before Lily was even born I had these moments of anxiety wondering if I was going to be a good mom….ones I’m sure most first time parents contemplate. Now here I am again anxiety ridden knowing how damn tough it is to be a mom, and wondering if I can do it x2.

And the answer is who the hell knows. Like most things in life you just don’t know until you do it. And it seems that I have been able to keep the first kid alive, so I must be doing something right…right?

Parenting is the toughest job I have ever experienced. Somewhere deep down inside I know that I will be able to handle two children. I know that I will love the second child with every fiber of my being and care for him/her with the same passion as I do Lily.

I’m just scared. Just like I was when I was pregnant with Lily.

So right now I am trying to rid myself of that crappy parental guilt while I order more take out rather than cook and allow more tv/iPad time since I have zero energy for the park. Right now I’m going to continue to pray for a healthy baby number two. Lily is safe, happy & healthy (& that’s what really matters) and I have 5 more months until I need to worry on how to juggle two kids at Target. But ANY advice on how to juggle two tots is welcomed!

PHEW…that felt good to get off my chest….

{and the pic above is from my first pregnancy!}

 
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  1. Stacie commented:
    September 20, 2013 Reply

    Oh, I feel better. My 11 month old has been going through some trouble getting to sleep at night, just having a fit and I have been feeling so guilty and like it must be my fault and just a wreck over it. I feel normal now. Chin up!

  2. Michelle Hammond commented:
    September 20, 2013 Reply

    Hey… I will share something with you as I am sure your mom already has… EVERY mother feels guilty about something and it never stops… you just do your best … your an excellent mommy… its ok to couch it at times… ipads and tv can be a good break .. as well as educational… postpartum is not fun … and nobody is ever ready for any kid let alone two .. hope this helps 😀

    • Amy Romano commented:
      September 27, 2013 Reply

      Thanks Michelle for your kind words!!! xo

  3. Sarita commented:
    September 23, 2013 Reply

    Amy! I suffered from PPD, as well. I KNOW how scary it is, how embarrassing, too. I also never wanted to harm myself or Maxwell, but I was just overwhelmed by the responsibility, the sleeplessness, the unfamiliar territory of taking care of a newborn. Even with Bjarni at home during the first weeks I couldn’t leave the baby to take a simple shower. I had so much anxiety. And, Maxwell was colicky! Salt in the proverbial wound, man! But, I too sought help from doctors and medication. I felt better. Soooo much better– stable, able to weather the manifold and inevitable parenting stresses, and enjoy my baby boy.
    My experience with #2? It was soooo much easier! I think it was because I knew that the most exhausting first months were just that: first months. I knew it would be most demanding on mommy until solids at 6 months. I knew we could sleep train around 8-10 months. Whereas with my first, it was like running a marathon, but not knowing where the end was; #2 was like running a marathon, but knowing how quickly things would change.
    I am so very, very impressed and proud of you for embracing how tough it is and sharing it with us (who, let’s face it, already know!). XOXO

    • Amy Romano commented:
      September 27, 2013 Reply

      Oh Sarita thanks for sharing! The main reason I went public with the PPD was in hopes that it might help another out there who hasn’t reached out for help. Talking to my doctor was THE BEST thing I did as a mom to get better! I do think that the PPD is playing a HUGE role in this anxiety of have over baby #2 AND yes since we know how tough it was with the first…I know that it will be even harder once the second arrives. But just going to try and soak up the good moments because the second will be 16 in a blink of an eye! xoxoxo

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